Is a Michelin rating really what good quality food is all about?

.......or is it just fluff and visually pleasing????

This is definitely not a rant of a ‘never to be Michelin chef', just my observations which I think I am now qualified for, after cooking for happy customers (in the main) for the last five years.

After a crazy few months (years??) and very emotionally charged, on top of being very busy (happy to say) at the café, I decided to take myself for a bit of ‘me’ time,

I found a deal at an up market spa along the cote de vermeillle,  I won’t mention the name as this is not a review, just general observations. The restaurant is Michelin starred so I was very excited to see how ‘the other half’ cook and eat.

After one of the best massages I've ever had, and a  jacuzzi with ‘un coupe de champagne’ while overlooking the Med, I was all ready for my ‘degustation menu’.

The patio of the restaurant also overlooked the med and I made sure I had a spot where I could see the reflection of the sunset over the sea.  I am not used to dining alone so I was all prepared with my book (btw Anthony Bourdin - Medium Raw).

I was greeted by a very sweet young serveur, who asked me what wine and water I would like; (definitely not happy to give me the tap variety of water).  I asked if there was not a wine per tasting course, which there was a definite NON, which was a surprise and a disappointment.  I ordered a glass of local rose (5€ for 12cl), which I thought would go well the first course. 

The meal began with an ‘amuse bouche’ of melon gazpacho and seared parma ham (with savoury cream which I didn’t think really worked) with the ham and the melon, this was an interesting start.







My lovely waiter then came back to tell me they would provide a wine with each course for a 'small' extra cost.  The menu began with a gazpacho of lobster garnished with a tomato and basil sorbet which was delicious and looked very pretty. The wine they presented with it was a lovely fruity sweet white banyuls which did not work with the dish at all, so I was very pleased to have my rose which worked really well especially with the fresh diced peppers at the bottom of the dish.

Next up was the fish course sea bass, which was my favourite dish of this menu, delicate, incredible combinations of flavours and textures (sweet seared shallots, confit lemon, grilled baby asparagus all brought together with a citrus foam) and once again beautifully presented.  I didn't get a wine with this course and I was grateful for my ever faithful rose but this would have been so delicious with the grenache gris that I would have the following evening.

Then onto the meat course, of beef tenderloin which was really disappointing, once again beautifully presented and cooked perfectly for me but not for most I think, even in France!  It wasn't exciting and definitely under-seasoned (rare for me to say). No salt and pepper provided on the table.  The anchovy beignet was obviously supposed to provide some seasoning which just didn't work for me.  The wine they served with it was once again delicious (hard to find a truly bad wine here) but the blend was too overwhelming for the dish, as the jus was delicately balsamic and the beef very rare!






Next came the cheese course, well, I just burst our laughing, firstly all white cheeses with an aged chevre for difference. When compared to our 6€ cheeseboard, I know our customers are getting value for money.  The first wine, the sweet banyuls was a perfect match and not the red they offered, especially with sweet and sour apricots and walnuts.

I'm afraid I was then done, too much of a good thing and was not tempted by any of the desserts (but I normally wouldn't have a dessert) so no real reflection on the choices. This also meant they didn't charge me for my wine which was a bonus for me.

I was obviously disappointed to the lacklustre effort of wine pairing but my biggest disappointment was of the par-baked rolls, which were acceptable but just.... this is France people, bread matters!! Even in Le Petit Chou we offer three types of bread with every meal, baked that day at the local  

boulangerie, no heating up rolls here! I thought maybe its Sunday night but no, at breakfast the next morning the bread was just as unappealing.  

The array of glasses at the end of my meal...

The following evening I went 'a la carte' with a glass or two of the grenache gris I had been dying to taste.  My favourite dish of all was the prawns with apricots, every mouthful a delight, which I
definitely order again.

My main course was also fish, fried mullet fillets, (not normally my first choice) but it was also delicious, loved the subtle flavours, with an exceptional shellfish stock and the fried capers were simply delightful.

So my conclusion, yes the food in the main was amazing and the presentation exceptional, but when it comes to substance over glamour I am not convinced. It was a lovely treat and I was happy to have been able to do it. I also realized dining alone two nights in a row, is not much fun even with the company of the tragic late Anthony. Plus I also learnt that my customers definitely get good plain honest cooking, (hopefully prettily presented), but without doubt value for money!! Plus our wine per glass is only 2.50€ (25cl) for organic local delights.

However, I will probably return for that delicious massage, the peace and quiet and those prawns...one day!!

Different families.....

So it has a been a while, I have not had much to say… however now I have…

I have a whole new family, not that I have rejected my old one; they are way to precious to reject (you know who you are, lovely ones)

Let me explain a little more…

I have a Saint Paulais family…

There are so many delights about small town living but there are so many pitfalls and annoyances too. Everyone knows your business and when they don’t they ask what’s up?? Literally, ‘we’ are that confused we don’t understand what is happening with you…. My ‘normal’ response is, that I am grateful for your concern but really has it got anything to do with you?? (btw, this is both French and ‘ex-pat’ interest.)

The good thing is the postie always knows where to find you where ever you may be, I love the fact they NEVER leave me a parcel slip at the café when we are normally closed and simply bring it the next day.

So as most of you know James and his rugby team did really well last year and thanks to the changes in regulations by FFR they will remain as a team this coming year. (I can promise you SPAC did not pay them, they couldn’t afford too)

So, this whole rugby league thing or as they say in France Rugby 13 has got me a little confused, firstly I had to learn the rules (in French!!) so I understood when my fellow parents complained at the ref for whatever unjust infraction. Don’t get me wrong Rugby Union or as they say here rugby 15 is still my first love just not for my ‘baby’ (176cm at 13!!!) boy!

Often the games are played away and I need to be at the café so am unable to attend but my ‘family’ have me sorted. Firstly they help transport all the kids to the games and then support them just like a family should (I remember you with great affection, Gordon Lanham-Love!!)

Firstly, there are the drummers, which can be adults or kids, trust me PE (St Georges Park) you have nothing on this lot! Then there are the real shouters who get the entire crowd going, sometimes even the opposition parents find themselves screaming for the incorrect team

Then there is MY ZULU, my first French friend she always reminds me, WHOOAH, I thought I was loud but no, this lovely one takes the cake, and she has the laugh that just enriches everybody’s life, it is so deep and so sincere; but DON’T mess with her she is fierce!!

Then there is her husband, reflective and quiet but OH, so strong, normally one of the drummers, heart of gold, salt of the earth guy. In fact he was the one who started calling us family and insisted that I had his and JP’s mobile numbers in my speed dial in case I ever needed them at the café. He is very zen and the weed helps!! But we love him to bits.

He was also the one who organized for the ’family’ to watch the Football World Cup Final at his home but in the street, he closed the road with sofas etc and the tv outside and with the’ bar’ behind us, it truly was an amazing event! I think wherever you were that day In France it would have been special but this was intimate and inclusive and we had at least seven nationalities there, so we all felt very French, just like the team,  n’est pas??

Then there is our lovey troubadour, who has more stories than I can keep up with and probably speaks more languages than any one I know.  His heritage is such a mix and so interesting. But at the rugby field he is LOUD, when he is not involved with the training and being ‘official’.  His wife is just so lovey too, she works in the tourist office and has the biggest smile and such a big heart.  She obviously has to be fair, but she tells all the people who ask that Le Petit Chou is ‘her’ canteen as not to break the rules of her work.

Then there is the formidable JP, (James’s French father), in fact I think James is often happier there than anywhere else apart from the rugby field. He is Catalan by birth and is a no-nonsense sort of guy but will drop everything to help a friend out. I love that he treats James as one of his own, he has five children with the gentle and sweet S.  I am always trying to contribute to James food bill but they keep telling what’s one more and they have a large potager (vegetable garden) which James helps in and also helps ‘muck’ out the chickens.

Then, of course there is my lovely P who does not attend the rugby yet but maybe one day but he keeps me sane most of the time, and NO, we are NOT romantically involved he just happens to have very similar interests and we love to chat, discuss politics, listen to music and discuss and drink wine together.

There are of course the amazing, supportive and incredible mothers A & S, who help me at the drop of a hat, in spite of all our differences they embrace the fact we are in together as mothers!

This ‘family’ is of course quite apart from the lovely Swedes we have adopted, or did we adopt each other??

And then there is the ‘mais oui club’ which is quite another story and in fact you have to be in it to know any more about it! BUT TRUST ME THIS IS VAULT FAMILY!!

So, all those year ago when Simon said to me you will miss the cosmopolitan life of London, five years later I can probably reply that all is well, I am blessed to have such a diverse family that comes from so many different nationalities and bring so much culture, diversity and interest to our lives. 

As to the customers of Le Petit Chou, too many almost unbelievable stories to tell here, you probably wouldn’t believe half of them but let’s just say one of my French regulars loves his dogs and has beautiful horses that he likes to ride to the café… VIVE LE FRANCE!! VIVE LE DIFFERENCE !!

JE SUIS CONTENT, MERCI!

PS. Thanks to Xavier for kicking my butt to write again 

The little things that make your life rich….

I remember as a kid probably pre and during adolescence thinking ‘one day I will show them I WILL be something’ quite what that something was I am not sure, however I am sure it meant some sort of simple easy life with lots of possessions and probably fame and riches at my disposal.  (Remember this was also way way before reality tv and the like!)

Clue de la Fou (we see the top of this from the cafe)

Well my life has been a lot of things but simple, never! One is never quite sure of how our decisions impact on us; did I take the right fork at the right time and what would have happened if I had taken the left one???

With some of my recent very conscious planned decisions, like moving and opening a business in France would I do the same thing again, you betcha.  I would love to say I would plan more, as in really try and learn the language, before we arrived and understand all the rules and regulations of running a business here, but we all know that is not true, I have always lived by my gut and will always continue to do so.

Recently I made another life changing decision probably the hardest one I have ever made, it was not made lightly or in haste in fact it was considered over at least a seven year period.  Trust me it sucks and I hate how my decision is hurting some of the  people I love but I know it is the right for me, to be able to move forward.  There is another hard decision waiting in the wings and that is going to be just as painful but that’s for a later date.

So why am I feeling rich today and be assured it’s not in the monetary sense!

When we first arrived in France people asked me what I did and normally gave the stock answer of wife and mother. However we are living in wine country so I started to try and explain that I knew a little about wine and possibly could be a ‘professeur de vin’ well that encouraged a lot of mirth. Everyone in France knows about wine what can you possibly offer or teach us?? What indeed?

Recently I have been trying really hard to not have any expectations of anyone or anything, now this is from a person who normally expects a lot from everyone, especially my nearest and dearest but I am trying, and a little by little it is helping my own expectations and ability to keep living this very hard road, I have chosen for myself.

So today is South African #CheninBlancDay and obviously is still one of my favourite wines if not my all time favourite grape!  I remembered I had one last bottle of Adi’s finest so I put that in to chill and hoped to enjoy it and reminisce about all the wonderful times, I have had, enjoying our wonderful South African Chenins (which is as close to ambrosia as anything else in this world).  

This lunchtime a close French friend came to the cafe, who happens to be a vigneron and I am also trying to teach him on the delights of white wine (the French do have stereotypes for a reason). He ordered  one of our house specials of warm chicken salad (it happens to be about 35 deg at the moment) and glass of ‘rouge’! Oh, no I said you are going to have a real treat and gave him a glass of aforesaid chenin blanc. 

Another quick aside, for those of you who know me, know how happy I am to share any wine I usually have but this is very SPECIAL and has to be brought over from the UK for me or is kindly donated by my brother in our annual exchange of wine, (cannot think how air miles that polystyrene 3 bottle wine container has!) So I was only prepared to share with the well deserving.

I was busy serving and cooking for the rest of my customers when my friend calls me over, this wine is excellent and with this salad, perfect. But of course I said it is one of the best! quel cépage he asked me (what grape variety). I then began to wax lyrical about chenin blanc and it’s amazing wines and versatility.  Now this guy has lived and worked in this area for a long time and Limoux is not far up the road about an hour or so away and he never knew how awesome chenin blanc could be!! So, funny enough I can teach an ‘old dog’ new tricks and educate some French about cepages and obviously South African wine.

So in spite of it been a really crappy time right now let me count 

my blessings and see how rich I really am. My kids are well and happy, at this very moment doing the things they love, ie. rugby and horse riding. We live in a beautiful place that is safe as one can be these days and more importantly which we all LOVE, the café is doing well and will only continue to get better until August. I know my support is unrelenting and strong even though, it’s mainly miles away. I have just eaten lunch sipping the last of the Adi's Chenin looking at our beautiful mountains with the eagles soaring above. As my life has taken me far and wide and hopefully will continue to do so, I am full of rich and wonderful memories. My bank account may not be groaning but you can bet on the fact that I am very rich, and as one of my ‘oldest’ friends often reminds me ‘the best is yet to come’ and a glass half full can always be refilled!!

a bientôt!

The delights of fresh simple food

Well its been a long time coming as I have not been inspired to share anything for a long while. Let’s just say life has been truly s**t and the winter was really awful but we won’t dwell on that!

What I am really inspired about at the moment is that I am loving going back to culinary basics, I have always said Le Petit Chou’s moto has been good fresh local food and we have got a good reputation for our warm salads and desserts (thanks Jess). 

Don’t get me wrong you are still never far away from the delights of a catalane sausage (so love the fact it’s shaped like boerewors) and Mrs Balls, who knew that combination was so good; cheers to James for the experiment that worked!  Even the French are asking where they can buy Mrs Balls, I should set up a franchise or something. (For those not in the know Mrs Balls is a South African chutney).

However I have been branching out a bit in my menus. There are always regional dishes available but I'm just enjoying been able to provide the simplest of dishes, cooked to order,it is giving me a huge thrill and a boost in my cooking and confidence.

Mint in a wine barrel

This spring the weather has been all over the place, so it’s been really hard to keep  the fresh spring menus going when it's actually cassoulet weather. So I have been compromising with fresh pasta dishes which I can do now, while we are not so busy but not when we are slammed. The best thing is that my regular French clientele are loving it and are even requested certain ‘new dishes’ before they reserve.

Our ‘tour de aubergine’ is still a firm favourite, with locals and tourists, so much so, even if it is not on the menu, I have to have the ingredients as so many ask for it. Our homemade soups are still a hit too and not just with the family.

We have completely won over our regulars with Eton Mess, not really a restaurant dessert one would say but they love it! What’s not to like fresh delicious roussillon strawberries with meringue and cream, perfect spring dessert. As for Jess’s lemon cheesecake and ginger panacotta still huge hits, these are both garnished with our mint growing in a barrel outside, what could be fresher than that?  I plan to plant more fresh herbs in our new barrels too.

My fresh asparagus cooked on the plancha with sea salt and lemon served with homemade béarnaise, has been so popular customers have ordered it twice in one sitting! 

Today’s success was fettucine carbonara – got to be good as it has bon in the name, but once again made to order and so simple but yet amazingly delicious and comforting. One of our regulars said he has to have that again!!

So as we all know Le Petit Chou was never going for any awards or stars just simplicity on a plate, no fancy garnishing just delicious food doing all the talking.  I am getting a big buzz out of cooking these simple fresh dishes that my customers are loving….

Let’s hope it goes as well in the summer!!!

Bon appétit!

Changes but not really ....

View from our rooftops

Well its been a long while, in fact so long I am not sure I know how to write one of these anymore.

Firstly we as a family and Le Petit Chou have had an amazing summer and it continues to be so, we are definitely having an Indian summer and we are still busy, at least at lunch time. The best news is that it is mainly locals or repeat business keeping us busy. Long may it continue.

In fact I am scared I am running out of inspiration for menus as I am so dog tired and cannot seem to 'catch up' on myself which is frustrating and annoying all in one. Being autumn the weather is also so changeable and it's hard to get it right. However in the main we continue to have happy customers.

Vendanges au Domaine d'Esperet 

 

We have made some big decisions about Le Petit Chou Cafe and it's future from November to Easter we will be open only 3 days a week namely Thursday, Friday and Saturday. The aim is to have a themed cuisine each week so a lot of the expats can get their fix of fish and chips, curry etc. and we can slowly convert the French to another way of eating.... some of my French locals loved our bangers and mash last Friday with onion gravy!! A porc a porc ; as they say here.

As to the doubters that Le Petit Chou would even survive this long, well here we are still standing, even if it is by our finger nails. I think I have finally nailed the French administration which is HUGE and only those who have been through it all can fully understand, how huge that is. Le Petit Chou is holding it's own financially (as we are not paying in money into it anymore, long may that last too).

Stressed out boys

The kids have settled back into their school routine and in the main seem to be happy and coping. Of course this is the last year that Jess is at home with us as it will be all change next academic year. She is starting to catch the bus to Perpignan on her own to get into the swing of things. James continues to be James and has launched into his first big romance this summer!! Fortunately she and her family are delightful so we do not mind arranging to spend time with them, as they live up the valley 3 towns away. He continues to play both codes of rugby and has also joined the climbing club this year.

On the home front Eloise is still holding her own and has become a 'darling' of the town, she definitely has her own fan club as I get introduced as Eloise's owner!! The boy cats are doing very well and both are very large,we are sure Oscar has ambitions to be be more round than Charlie (the Devon cat). Still so many wild cats in the garden that continue to reproduce but our doors are firmly closed as the next pet will definitely be of the canine variety.

temporary scaffolding

The BIG NEWS is that work has began once again on the house and we hope for some rapid movement there. Simon has been working long and hard hours with our 'macon' David, plus he is still doing the washing up at Le Petit Chou and still doing his work at Shilton. So a lot on his plate; but he comes into the cafe looking a mess (especially after plastering) with a huge grin on his face and he looks relaxed and sometimes very handsome...well now! Work continues on the 6^th and final roof at the moment, a long way to go.

Our handsome builder

Final roof to be repaired

So not much has changed and yet it feels like everything has in some moments, like the vendage this year ; a mixed report as some vignerons say its great quality year and others say it's really bad. So like in life it's just about holding onto the good bunches and leaving the bad behind.

I still love the fact that we live here and I can look to the mountains and see eagles soar above my head, it does not get much better than this.

A bientôt.

Revelations and many other good things

My mother was told by her mother ‘never come home with a catholic’ and somehow these words have always sat on me throughout my life even though essentially I do not have any prejudice about any mass-going Catholics, I am the first to admit I not fond of all their practices and the reign of the all powerful priest. I also found it curious that the many of my catholic friends go to mass as a duty and not a celebration. The bureaucracy of the church and the wealth of the Vatican compared to the poorest catholic countries in the world has never felt right and the Popes all seem to be political puppets with no real backbone until now; my respect for Pope François is immense and I really hope he continues as he has started. But catholic doctrine is not what this blog is about.

Living in rural France it is not always easy or even possible to attend the non-denominational  English speaking church, I would need to travel for an hour or so each way and this does not always fit in the family’s needs. So I have began to attend our local catholic church here in our small town and even though it is obviously all in French it has been a very pleasing surprise.

Last year we were invited to ‘break bread’ for the ‘Fete Paroissaile de La Transfiguration’ I was unable to attend the mass preceding the feast but attended the lunch with my children and my mother and a great time was had by all. These village lunches are a well organised machine, over 150 people get to eat like kings. You bring your own crockery. cutlery etc and you sit at long tables normally with white tablecloths, which are decorated with wine leaves and olive branches. You are served a feast of four courses and as much wine as you like, generously donated by the local vignerons. Not a cold stodgy sausage roll in sight!

This year I was determined to attend the mass and did and was so very pleased that I did.  The local parishes all come together for this day so there were probably 200 people there of all ages but it has to be said it is mainly women of a certain age but there were lots of families too. Everyone was very excited as the ‘new’ bishop (posted In January) was preaching today and there definitely was a festive feel to the mass.

As the service began I was delighted to realise how much I understood and having studied the bible most of my life knew the passages that were been read, which was helpful. I loved the fact that the entire congregation was, even the kids. I was really enjoying myself and was blown away about how charismatic the bishop was and understood most of his sermon and he preached with no notes and straight from the heart, it was definitely inspiring. Often when I attend other worship gatherings, I would get very emotional as something always seems to touch me deeply.  When I was worshipping in London, a friend of mine and I always sat near each other to help out with the tissue situation.  I did not expect this to happen today. I was fine until the prayers started, read by two ladies, one a nun of from the ‘Congregation des Saints Anges’. I had just said to my daughter how Bug (my grandmother) would not recognise this Catholic Church with all these guitars, drums and clapping etc. and she said to me ‘don’t worry Mum she is already dead’! I suddenly had this image of her, my grandmother, holding Joshua and laughing a deep big belly laugh and I was filled with emotion, as the nun was praying for families.  To my knowledge my grandmother never laughed like that in life and it gave me great joy to ‘see’ the two of them laughing together and obviously was an extremely emotional experience.

The service continued and after communion I felt swept away by the love I felt in the room and the warmth and safety of our Father’s love and yes the tears began.

Unknown to me the mass was also celebrating a nun from the ‘Sœurs de Sainte-Agnès’ for sixty-five years of service.  There was a very moving tribute and then a hymn sung in Portuguese accompanied by guitar, as most of the nuns there, had been involved with out-reach work in Brazil and some are  actually Portuguese.  This was too much and I felt the presence of my beautiful ‘belle-sœur’ right there next to me, I cannot explain it but in spite of her and the family’s terrible loss and tragedy I know that she would be alright.  Our Father in heaven was guiding her and protecting her and the rest of that beautiful family.  They then presented Elize (the nun) with a beautiful ‘living’ bouquet with the centre piece been strelitzias which are one of my favourite flowers and my sister-in-laws too. It was all too much for me; I then wept and had great cuddles from my daughter.

After mass we had apéritifs in the sparkling hot sunshine looking at the most gorgeous views before going in for our four course feast.  I was already feeling full of the spirit and love of the community that I felt too full to eat!  On our way in I noticed one of the priests Charles, he and I are on ‘bise’ terms, he was out of his robes and in his biker leathers with his collar, in one hand he had a glass of red wine and the other a big fat cigar and his face was alight and full of joy; I am sure my grandmother never experienced this kind of priest of minister.

As grace was said the ‘vignerons’ were prayed for again and thanks was given to the harvest (which looks like a really good one this year). The hard-working women of the parish were not forgotten and the food as ever was delicious. The dessert was made by one of the Brazilian Nun’s called Maria Lusia, it was an almond crème pâtisserie tart with filled choux buns on top finished off with caramelized sugar, and it was very good and remained me again of my sister-in-law and her Mum baking special Portuguese desserts together. (You were definitely with me all day, dear Ana-Lusia).

The meal was relaxed and the buzz of conversations swarmed around like bees, we sat with our French ‘grandmothers’ and in the main managed to speak French all through lunch.  The various members of the clergy including the bishop all came to visit and were as friendly and welcoming as any charming host.  There is nothing funny about these Catholics, sorry Bug, but you got this one wrong, in this parish anyway.

During the meal, it struck me that my life in France was knitted together in that one room.  The love of our dear Lord, the importance of the food and the wine (I don’t think I have ever attended a service where the wine and it’s makers were prayed for at least five times) and sharing it with friends that are like family, it doesn’t get much better than that.

 A bientôt!

‘Living on the edge of uncertainty’

I AM IN LOVE.....with a man and a lifestyle I will never know.

A friend (thank you Carmen) recommended that I watch a Chef's Table by Netflix to try and get some mojo and creativity back.  Firstly it is incredible to see the motivation and drive of these great chefs, obviously it is also daunting watching these masters (male and female) creating their amazing dishes knowing you do not have or will never have the skills to copy them, let alone surpass them.  As a ‘chef’ this is both inspiring and depressing.

I am depressed enough I thought I will not continue to watch, I need some happy space. Well, maybe just one more...

I watched the episode on Francis Mallmann and even though I thought I knew the who’s who of the chefing world I can honestly say, hand on heart I have never heard of him, in spite of him been a prolific author. (We own a lot of cook books).

Watching this episode was incredibly intense and personal for me and maybe it was just at the right time in the right state of mind but he really drew me in and I loved what he stands for and how he cooks, mainly the freshest ingredients possible on an open fire of one sort or another.  I nearly wept at the images of some of the food he produced; I could almost smell and taste it.

I am not sure I agree with all his parenting decisions and his lack of fidelity but each to his own and maybe that is why, even if I had the talent I could never be a great chef, I am just not selfish enough and that’s what seems to be the common trait amongst all these greats, the family comes second and they (the families) all sacrifice a lot, for their love of the chef.

At the end of Francis’s episode he looks into the dusk and says these words, (apologies if I have not got them quite correct)

‘We educated children to settle into a comfortable chair. You have a job, your little car, you have somewhere to sleep and the .......

DREAMS DIE!’

At this point I had to go back and listen again, was this really what he was saying as this is what I have felt in my heart all the time.  He continues to say: ‘In order to grow and improve you have to have a bit of uncertainty. You do not grow on a secure path, you need a lot of uncertainty and risk you need to be on the edge of uncertainty.’

Now I am really freaking out, I yell out LOUD, yes finally someone is saying what has been in my heart and soul all this time. (My son looks at me like I have lost it, but he has seen worse).

Francis carries on by saying ‘All of us need to conquer something in life and it needs a lot of work and a lot of risk.’ I hear you Francis!

So I am fired up and inspired by a pretty unscrupulous man I am sure, (reading between the lines) but who cares I feel fire in my soul and belly that I haven’t felt for a long time. BRING IT ON, do your worst world.... I am ready, I am happy to live on the edge of uncertainty as I KNOW that makes me a better person and therefore better mother, wife, chef, friend, sister, daughter etc.

The episode finishes with these words (not sure if there are Francis’s)

‘There is a whisper in the night wind

A star to guide us

The wild is calling, calling

LET US GO! ‘

See you on the wildside!

A beintot!

Grief

Grief:

Oxford Dictionary definition: (intense sorrow, especially caused by someone’s death)

I feel heavy and constantly tired I cannot open my eyes without this fog blinding me when will this pain end...

I recently went to be with my family in South Africa after my brother’s son of nineteen months old tragically died; our beloved angel Joshua John. It was a surreal visit and still seems surreal. Usually my visits ‘home’ are full of joy and expectation but not this time.

At the time we received the awful news my Mum was visiting me in France and in a way that was a blessing as we could help support each other.  We then made the very heart wrenching trip back to Durban and it really made me realise how rurally we now live; as it took a full 24 hours to travel door to door.  I was pleased I was able to accompany my mother home but was also anxious to see my brother, ‘belle sœur’, niece and nephew’s faces, I wanted to look into their eyes and see past the devastation and grief and see how I could make it a little bit better.  How was I to do this when I was so bogged down with my own grief?

Never before and probably never again will I see such an out pouring of love and uplifting help.  The family have belonged to their church for over twenty years but even if they had only been there a year I think the very organised ‘ Church ladies’ (aka military Mums) would have caught it!  The house was full of joy and love, prayer and obviously grief.  The hugs were abundant and the support immense and I felt grateful for it but also felt a bit useless.

When I left to go to South Africa, it was a not easy for me to leave my business at one of the busiest times but I knew I would never forgive myself if I did not go, I also wanted to stand firm with my family in their grief.  When I did look into my families eyes I could see the pain but also could see the hope that the pain would eventually go away.... as my beautiful niece said in her tribute to her baby brother ‘pain is temporary, it will only hurt as long as you let it’.

I try and remember these words every morning when I wake up (that is if I have slept) and say them like a mantra to combat this physical grief I am feeling.  We all know our Joshi is in a better place and sitting on his father’s knee smiling and charming the angels, ready to become one himself.  He does not want us to grieve, I know this, and his immediate family knows this, so why is it so damn sore and hard to get passed??

I feel in our grief we are mourning not only the life of our precious angel but also all the possibilities we dreamt of having with him.  I know my son was so keen to play ball with him and teach him like he had been taught by his older cousins, he will miss that.  I imagined him coming back to us here in France and splashing in our natural pools as he loved water so much, I will never get to see that sight.  There are so many more dreams we had, but we NEED to let go of these as this was not the plan, the way has happened, as it was meant to be no matter how difficult it is to understand.

What is it about either grief or celebration but especially bereavement that motivates an entire community and I don’t just mean a local one.  That was obvious on the day on the memorial so many local and not so local people came to celebrate Joshua’s life but each and every one of us in his wider family had support and we are a large multi-national family. Hailing from Mozambiquen Portuguese, Portuguese, German, Dutch, English, Zimbabwean,  Aussies and Zulus (who are like family) and of course now French and obviously South African, each one of us had a message that was special or incredibly uplifting from all over the world. It was so lovely to connect with so many that have loved the same as you, even though you may not have known it or even seen them for forty years, I do not joke! I will never forget that moment standing side by side with my other ‘belle soeur’ in the memorial and also squeezing the hand that was supposed to be giving me strength but somehow I found enough strength to give back.  These are not moments you do not want to have but if you are in them, they are reassuring, and it felt good.  Did I say how much I miss the hugs, the French DO NOT HUG.... where are you now Sergeant Major Carol??

  

I really wish I could bounce back and be back to my ‘normal’ again.  It will come in time I know, and I continue to get strength from prayer and worship and my beloved family here.  I am so pleased that my family in SA is been held up and loved but I know that this grief will be a scar forever and we all carry Joshi in our hearts for the rest of our days. I love you gorgeous boy and always will.

REST IN PEACE, BEAUTIFUL JOSHUA JOHN.

The days you have

There are days, and then there are other days and then there are the days you cannot believe you have just had…..

On Sunday ODD (our dear daughter) kindly volunteered to do the bakery run and then pick up some bits at the café.  She had never locked or un-locked the café by herself before and even though I knew she was totally capable I was still a bit nervous.  Everything was going really well until she pulled the door closed and then realised the keys were on the other side of the door.  She was using my keys and the only other keys for the café were Simon’s who was in London and of course had all his keys with him. 

This was a mini disaster as I was planning to go in and do some cooking on the Monday as I had to collect Simon from the airport at 11h00ish on Tuesday; the airport is 40 minutes away so no chance of opening on time or preparing on the day. However, I knew I could still get a menu together; fortunately we had already made some desserts that would still be good for the week ahead.

Last night, I missed some calls on my mobile/portable/cell but it was a private number, so I couldn’t return the calls.  This morning I got a call really early from our landlord to say they really needed to get into the café urgently.  In my bad French I tried to explain the dilemma and that we all would only be able to get into the café when Simon returned and hopefully we would be back in St Paul by 11h45 at the latest. As I am sure you know the French lunchtime starts at 12h00 prompt and generally liked to be served in the hour, however my most regular customer on a Tuesday normally comes at 13h00, so I had a chance of been prepared.

We have had a few flooding situations from above since we have rented the café and various other bits and pieces that still had not been completed.  I had been pressing the landlord for these to be dealt with before the season began and was really hoping that this was the urgency. However as I passed the café as saw the water flowing under the door I knew it was more serious.

This is NOT my picture but this is how it looked

I continued to drive towards Perpignan, it was not the brightest of days, in fact it was really muggy but the light was gorgeous and it really reflected the vivid green of the vines and the intensity of colour of the poppies and other wild flowers. I was really enjoying this drive with some special music and it felt good.

I went to shop for the café before collecting Simon, of course the one time I needed the flight to be on time it was slightly delayed so we only got back in to St Paul at 12h15.  I had already received another panicked call from the landlord. On the drive back I said to Simon no matter what state the café is in I need to cook and do x,y and z to try and get a menu together.  I left him to open the door and as I gathered up the shopping; taking a deep breath I braced myself for what was to come.  I am very glad I did as possibly a quarter of the ceiling was on the floor…

I began the 'mise en place' as Simon and the landlord’s family mopped, moved furniture and generally cleaned the place up.  A ‘workman’ arrived while I was frantically trying to write up the menu on the blackboard (thinking I wish I could write this in English),  I thought he was part of the clean-up crew but actually he wanted a take-away sandwich. Typical on the one day we are not organised, but he got his sandwich within five minutes, while I was preparing two main courses.  In fact within an hour and a half we had served four people lunch, made scones and  in the main got ready for the rest of the week’s trade.  Oh, and of course cleaned up the mess….

Let's just say it was a day and a half, and as the ceiling continues to drip, what will this French adventure throw at us next?  Whatever it is I am ready…. I think!

À bientôt.

The ceiling as it is now

Reflections of six months of Le Petit Chou Café and other things:

Well, it’s been a while but it’s also been a tough stretch.

The family is well and we are definitely starting to settle in to French life if not yet fluent in the language, Some of us better than others (i.e. the kids). Both kids are doing really well at school although our son has to calm down and be more organised and neater and he has a tough term ahead as it is not certain that he will proceed to college yet. Improvement in these areas may make all the difference. (News just in, is that he WILL proceed to college, I hope they are ready for the whirlwind that he is!)

Snowy St Paul

The café did ok over the winter although February was a disaster and not worth opening the doors. Not helped by closing for the school holidays, although I doubt that would have made much difference. It’s was really hard to remain positive when demand was so low.  Paying our first taxes (double lot) in January did not help morale either.  But we survived and we are still here, March was an improvement and I am very pleased to stay April has started with a bang, long may it last and please let the wind be calm and the sun keep shining and then we will have a chance of having a great season.

Although we bought our house in November not much has happened since then. We have had various builders/workmen/consultants looking at it and guiding us on what needs to be done (EVERYTHING) but no progress has been made except storing some of our belongings.  When we got some of the first quotes in, there was a lot of buyer’s remorse as some of these were just for the roof and that was costing more than

The many roofs of the house

the purchase price.  This is not good news to get on a cold, blustery winter’s day.  However, I still love the place, leaky roof and all and I am excited about what we can achieve there it is just going to take a lot of patience and money, more than we expected on both counts.

Simon’s little rescue adventure added a little colour to our winter blues, not sure which colour I think mine was, possibly mainly red, we are still awaiting the rescue bill and  we are wondering if they have taken pity on the ‘fou anglais’.  Let’s hope so.

Port Vendres harbour

I certainly enjoyed our small restorative break 

by the sea it was great to be in a different and beautiful place for a bit and it made me  appreciate our stunning region all the more.  We are surrounded by such magnificent natural beauty, with mountains and sea.  I know it sounds silly but just to be able to ‘pop’ to Spain still gives me a real thrill.  I had a day to myself by the sea and it helped give me some perspective on our lives and gave some ‘mojo’ back as I had begun to feel demotivated by the lack of business and of course I still question my culinary skills, I will never stop doing this, but as long as the plates keep coming back clean, I have to believe I do have the ability to do this.

Easter was a blast with old and new friends coming into the cafe, a baking foray into Hot Cross buns and other Easter delights made it feel more like home (where ever that may be).  The kids of course received far too much chocolate but it’s only Easter once a year so they say, somehow our kids seem to have endless supplies of chocolate all year round.  Simon?

So looking ahead to the rest of spring and summer, Le Petit Chou will be launching our tasting menus of local regional dishes with the local wines, and holding tutored wine appreciation afternoons.  We are hoping one of our very dear friends will be holding an informal summer concert here too.  So lots to look forward to.

The family also intend to go camping, not glamping, very much camping which will be a first for the four of us together.  This should prove to be interesting and could be incredibly bonding or the other? We shall see.  In spite of not been thrilled by the idea even though it was mine, I am really looking forward to spending some time up in the ‘real’ mountains and away from it all.  Hopefully we will see loads of birds and my French can improve in that area too, one of the few books I will take with me will be my much beloved book of birds in French.

So to be living in the house by Christmas will be a long shot and possibly always was, hopefully we will still be able to have good party there, as there is lots of space.  I have read about a couple who pitched their tent inside their house while they restored it; I don’t think we are quite there yet but maybe not far off.

In the meantime we will continue to enjoy our very cosy apartment and enjoy the terrace at the café, with its almost constant sunshine.  We look forward to a great season and returning family and friends, both personal and business ones.  May the sun shine wherever you are, whatever the season and if it’s your autumn may the winter be a good time to reflect and restore on what is needed in your life.

Le Petit Chou's Catalan Nicoise

I am now going to go and enjoy lunch on our terrace with the family,  and appreciate my work place!

A bientôt!