Grief

Grief:

Oxford Dictionary definition: (intense sorrow, especially caused by someone’s death)

I feel heavy and constantly tired I cannot open my eyes without this fog blinding me when will this pain end...

I recently went to be with my family in South Africa after my brother’s son of nineteen months old tragically died; our beloved angel Joshua John. It was a surreal visit and still seems surreal. Usually my visits ‘home’ are full of joy and expectation but not this time.

At the time we received the awful news my Mum was visiting me in France and in a way that was a blessing as we could help support each other.  We then made the very heart wrenching trip back to Durban and it really made me realise how rurally we now live; as it took a full 24 hours to travel door to door.  I was pleased I was able to accompany my mother home but was also anxious to see my brother, ‘belle sœur’, niece and nephew’s faces, I wanted to look into their eyes and see past the devastation and grief and see how I could make it a little bit better.  How was I to do this when I was so bogged down with my own grief?

Never before and probably never again will I see such an out pouring of love and uplifting help.  The family have belonged to their church for over twenty years but even if they had only been there a year I think the very organised ‘ Church ladies’ (aka military Mums) would have caught it!  The house was full of joy and love, prayer and obviously grief.  The hugs were abundant and the support immense and I felt grateful for it but also felt a bit useless.

When I left to go to South Africa, it was a not easy for me to leave my business at one of the busiest times but I knew I would never forgive myself if I did not go, I also wanted to stand firm with my family in their grief.  When I did look into my families eyes I could see the pain but also could see the hope that the pain would eventually go away.... as my beautiful niece said in her tribute to her baby brother ‘pain is temporary, it will only hurt as long as you let it’.

I try and remember these words every morning when I wake up (that is if I have slept) and say them like a mantra to combat this physical grief I am feeling.  We all know our Joshi is in a better place and sitting on his father’s knee smiling and charming the angels, ready to become one himself.  He does not want us to grieve, I know this, and his immediate family knows this, so why is it so damn sore and hard to get passed??

I feel in our grief we are mourning not only the life of our precious angel but also all the possibilities we dreamt of having with him.  I know my son was so keen to play ball with him and teach him like he had been taught by his older cousins, he will miss that.  I imagined him coming back to us here in France and splashing in our natural pools as he loved water so much, I will never get to see that sight.  There are so many more dreams we had, but we NEED to let go of these as this was not the plan, the way has happened, as it was meant to be no matter how difficult it is to understand.

What is it about either grief or celebration but especially bereavement that motivates an entire community and I don’t just mean a local one.  That was obvious on the day on the memorial so many local and not so local people came to celebrate Joshua’s life but each and every one of us in his wider family had support and we are a large multi-national family. Hailing from Mozambiquen Portuguese, Portuguese, German, Dutch, English, Zimbabwean,  Aussies and Zulus (who are like family) and of course now French and obviously South African, each one of us had a message that was special or incredibly uplifting from all over the world. It was so lovely to connect with so many that have loved the same as you, even though you may not have known it or even seen them for forty years, I do not joke! I will never forget that moment standing side by side with my other ‘belle soeur’ in the memorial and also squeezing the hand that was supposed to be giving me strength but somehow I found enough strength to give back.  These are not moments you do not want to have but if you are in them, they are reassuring, and it felt good.  Did I say how much I miss the hugs, the French DO NOT HUG.... where are you now Sergeant Major Carol??

  

I really wish I could bounce back and be back to my ‘normal’ again.  It will come in time I know, and I continue to get strength from prayer and worship and my beloved family here.  I am so pleased that my family in SA is been held up and loved but I know that this grief will be a scar forever and we all carry Joshi in our hearts for the rest of our days. I love you gorgeous boy and always will.

REST IN PEACE, BEAUTIFUL JOSHUA JOHN.

The days you have

There are days, and then there are other days and then there are the days you cannot believe you have just had…..

On Sunday ODD (our dear daughter) kindly volunteered to do the bakery run and then pick up some bits at the café.  She had never locked or un-locked the café by herself before and even though I knew she was totally capable I was still a bit nervous.  Everything was going really well until she pulled the door closed and then realised the keys were on the other side of the door.  She was using my keys and the only other keys for the café were Simon’s who was in London and of course had all his keys with him. 

This was a mini disaster as I was planning to go in and do some cooking on the Monday as I had to collect Simon from the airport at 11h00ish on Tuesday; the airport is 40 minutes away so no chance of opening on time or preparing on the day. However, I knew I could still get a menu together; fortunately we had already made some desserts that would still be good for the week ahead.

Last night, I missed some calls on my mobile/portable/cell but it was a private number, so I couldn’t return the calls.  This morning I got a call really early from our landlord to say they really needed to get into the café urgently.  In my bad French I tried to explain the dilemma and that we all would only be able to get into the café when Simon returned and hopefully we would be back in St Paul by 11h45 at the latest. As I am sure you know the French lunchtime starts at 12h00 prompt and generally liked to be served in the hour, however my most regular customer on a Tuesday normally comes at 13h00, so I had a chance of been prepared.

We have had a few flooding situations from above since we have rented the café and various other bits and pieces that still had not been completed.  I had been pressing the landlord for these to be dealt with before the season began and was really hoping that this was the urgency. However as I passed the café as saw the water flowing under the door I knew it was more serious.

This is NOT my picture but this is how it looked

I continued to drive towards Perpignan, it was not the brightest of days, in fact it was really muggy but the light was gorgeous and it really reflected the vivid green of the vines and the intensity of colour of the poppies and other wild flowers. I was really enjoying this drive with some special music and it felt good.

I went to shop for the café before collecting Simon, of course the one time I needed the flight to be on time it was slightly delayed so we only got back in to St Paul at 12h15.  I had already received another panicked call from the landlord. On the drive back I said to Simon no matter what state the café is in I need to cook and do x,y and z to try and get a menu together.  I left him to open the door and as I gathered up the shopping; taking a deep breath I braced myself for what was to come.  I am very glad I did as possibly a quarter of the ceiling was on the floor…

I began the 'mise en place' as Simon and the landlord’s family mopped, moved furniture and generally cleaned the place up.  A ‘workman’ arrived while I was frantically trying to write up the menu on the blackboard (thinking I wish I could write this in English),  I thought he was part of the clean-up crew but actually he wanted a take-away sandwich. Typical on the one day we are not organised, but he got his sandwich within five minutes, while I was preparing two main courses.  In fact within an hour and a half we had served four people lunch, made scones and  in the main got ready for the rest of the week’s trade.  Oh, and of course cleaned up the mess….

Let's just say it was a day and a half, and as the ceiling continues to drip, what will this French adventure throw at us next?  Whatever it is I am ready…. I think!

À bientôt.

The ceiling as it is now

Reflections of six months of Le Petit Chou Café and other things:

Well, it’s been a while but it’s also been a tough stretch.

The family is well and we are definitely starting to settle in to French life if not yet fluent in the language, Some of us better than others (i.e. the kids). Both kids are doing really well at school although our son has to calm down and be more organised and neater and he has a tough term ahead as it is not certain that he will proceed to college yet. Improvement in these areas may make all the difference. (News just in, is that he WILL proceed to college, I hope they are ready for the whirlwind that he is!)

Snowy St Paul

The café did ok over the winter although February was a disaster and not worth opening the doors. Not helped by closing for the school holidays, although I doubt that would have made much difference. It’s was really hard to remain positive when demand was so low.  Paying our first taxes (double lot) in January did not help morale either.  But we survived and we are still here, March was an improvement and I am very pleased to stay April has started with a bang, long may it last and please let the wind be calm and the sun keep shining and then we will have a chance of having a great season.

Although we bought our house in November not much has happened since then. We have had various builders/workmen/consultants looking at it and guiding us on what needs to be done (EVERYTHING) but no progress has been made except storing some of our belongings.  When we got some of the first quotes in, there was a lot of buyer’s remorse as some of these were just for the roof and that was costing more than

The many roofs of the house

the purchase price.  This is not good news to get on a cold, blustery winter’s day.  However, I still love the place, leaky roof and all and I am excited about what we can achieve there it is just going to take a lot of patience and money, more than we expected on both counts.

Simon’s little rescue adventure added a little colour to our winter blues, not sure which colour I think mine was, possibly mainly red, we are still awaiting the rescue bill and  we are wondering if they have taken pity on the ‘fou anglais’.  Let’s hope so.

Port Vendres harbour

I certainly enjoyed our small restorative break 

by the sea it was great to be in a different and beautiful place for a bit and it made me  appreciate our stunning region all the more.  We are surrounded by such magnificent natural beauty, with mountains and sea.  I know it sounds silly but just to be able to ‘pop’ to Spain still gives me a real thrill.  I had a day to myself by the sea and it helped give me some perspective on our lives and gave some ‘mojo’ back as I had begun to feel demotivated by the lack of business and of course I still question my culinary skills, I will never stop doing this, but as long as the plates keep coming back clean, I have to believe I do have the ability to do this.

Easter was a blast with old and new friends coming into the cafe, a baking foray into Hot Cross buns and other Easter delights made it feel more like home (where ever that may be).  The kids of course received far too much chocolate but it’s only Easter once a year so they say, somehow our kids seem to have endless supplies of chocolate all year round.  Simon?

So looking ahead to the rest of spring and summer, Le Petit Chou will be launching our tasting menus of local regional dishes with the local wines, and holding tutored wine appreciation afternoons.  We are hoping one of our very dear friends will be holding an informal summer concert here too.  So lots to look forward to.

The family also intend to go camping, not glamping, very much camping which will be a first for the four of us together.  This should prove to be interesting and could be incredibly bonding or the other? We shall see.  In spite of not been thrilled by the idea even though it was mine, I am really looking forward to spending some time up in the ‘real’ mountains and away from it all.  Hopefully we will see loads of birds and my French can improve in that area too, one of the few books I will take with me will be my much beloved book of birds in French.

So to be living in the house by Christmas will be a long shot and possibly always was, hopefully we will still be able to have good party there, as there is lots of space.  I have read about a couple who pitched their tent inside their house while they restored it; I don’t think we are quite there yet but maybe not far off.

In the meantime we will continue to enjoy our very cosy apartment and enjoy the terrace at the café, with its almost constant sunshine.  We look forward to a great season and returning family and friends, both personal and business ones.  May the sun shine wherever you are, whatever the season and if it’s your autumn may the winter be a good time to reflect and restore on what is needed in your life.

Le Petit Chou's Catalan Nicoise

I am now going to go and enjoy lunch on our terrace with the family,  and appreciate my work place!

A bientôt!