Grief:
I feel heavy and constantly tired I cannot open my eyes
without this fog blinding me when will this pain end...
I recently went to be with my family in South Africa after
my brother’s son of nineteen months old tragically died; our beloved angel
Joshua John. It was a surreal visit and still seems surreal. Usually my visits ‘home’
are full of joy and expectation but not this time.
At the time we received the awful news my Mum was visiting
me in France and in a way that was a blessing as we could help support each
other. We then made the very heart wrenching
trip back to Durban and it really made me realise how rurally we now live; as
it took a full 24 hours to travel door to door.
I was pleased I was able to accompany my mother home but was also anxious
to see my brother, ‘belle sœur’, niece and nephew’s faces, I wanted to look
into their eyes and see past the devastation and grief and see how I could make
it a little bit better. How was I to do
this when I was so bogged down with my own grief?
Never before and probably never again will I see such an
out pouring of love and uplifting help.
The family have belonged to their church for over twenty years but even
if they had only been there a year I think the very organised ‘ Church ladies’ (aka
military Mums) would have caught it! The
house was full of joy and love, prayer and obviously grief. The hugs were abundant and the support
immense and I felt grateful for it but also felt a bit useless.
When I left to go to South Africa, it was a not easy for me
to leave my business at one of the busiest times but I knew I would never
forgive myself if I did not go, I also wanted to stand firm with my family in their grief. When I
did look into my families eyes I could see the pain but also could see the hope
that the pain would eventually go away.... as my beautiful niece said in her
tribute to her baby brother ‘pain is
temporary, it will only hurt as long as you let it’.
I try and remember these words every morning when I wake up
(that is if I have slept) and say them like a mantra to combat this physical grief
I am feeling. We all know our Joshi is
in a better place and sitting on his father’s knee smiling and charming the
angels, ready to become one himself. He
does not want us to grieve, I know this, and his immediate family knows this,
so why is it so damn sore and hard to get passed??
I feel in our grief we are mourning not only the life of
our precious angel but also all the possibilities we dreamt of having with
him. I know my son was so keen to play
ball with him and teach him like he had been taught by his older cousins, he
will miss that. I imagined him coming
back to us here in France and splashing in our natural pools as he loved water
so much, I will never get to see that sight.
There are so many more dreams we had, but we NEED to let go of these as
this was not the plan, the way has happened, as it was meant to be no matter
how difficult it is to understand.
What is it about either grief or celebration but especially
bereavement that motivates an entire community and I don’t just mean a local
one. That was obvious on the day on the
memorial so many local and not so local people came to celebrate Joshua’s life
but each and every one of us in his wider family had support and we are a large
multi-national family. Hailing from Mozambiquen Portuguese, Portuguese, German,
Dutch, English, Zimbabwean, Aussies and
Zulus (who are like family) and of course now French and obviously South
African, each one of us had a message that was special or incredibly uplifting
from all over the world. It was so lovely to connect with so many that have
loved the same as you, even though you may not have known it or even seen them
for forty years, I do not joke! I will never forget that moment standing side
by side with my other ‘belle soeur’ in the memorial and also squeezing the hand
that was supposed to be giving me strength but somehow I found enough strength
to give back. These are not moments you
do not want to have but if you are in them, they are reassuring, and it felt good. Did I say how much I miss the hugs, the
French DO NOT HUG.... where are you now Sergeant Major Carol??
I really wish I could bounce back and be back to my ‘normal’
again. It will come in time I know, and
I continue to get strength from prayer and worship and my beloved family
here. I am so pleased that my family in
SA is been held up and loved but I know that this grief will be a scar forever
and we all carry Joshi in our hearts for the rest of our days. I love you
gorgeous boy and always will.
REST IN PEACE, BEAUTIFUL JOSHUA JOHN.
